


DDD (Dorothea’s Dating Database)

by lynnaria



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Multi, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnaria/pseuds/lynnaria
Summary: Dorothea helps her friends throughout Fodlan with their relationship issues.
Relationships: TBD - Relationship
Kudos: 6





	DDD (Dorothea’s Dating Database)

**Author's Note:**

> intro chapter to this new series. yes this is an excuse to make content for most of my favorite pairings in this game. there will be a central pairing eventually though !! i'll add it to the tags once it gets warmed up.

Dorothea did not expect to go through 4 years of college for musical theater to end up with a job like this. Nonetheless, at the ripe age of 25, she started her own dating service.   
  
It started as a passion project, well, honestly more like a desperation project. After hundreds of unsuccessful dates, Dorothea began to record the data of them, the location, the length of the date, the age of the man, the number of worthwhile conversations, etc.

She got nowhere with this data alone- so she started a record of other people’s successful dates. You can’t figure out what x - y is if you don’t know the values of x and y, right? She compared it to her own dates, for a brief period, she found her dates growing longer, better, and more exciting.

She began to offer her advice to others at this point. She watched as her friends landed boyfriends, husbands, some even got children.   
  
Unfortunately for Dorothea, her luck ran out. After finding what she assumed to be a perfect man, she discovered he had been cheating the whole time. Her luck has continued to fall downwards after that.   
  


Though she’s kind of stretching the truth when she says her work is full-proof, a girl has to make some cash, right? She began selling her work, seeing clients a few times a month to help their relationships flourish. She wasn’t getting millions, but she was comfortable enough to afford rent in a dinky office on the outskirts of the city.

There was only a couple people scheduled today, neither were worth noting. A couple of women in their 40's who both managed to be more love crazed than even Dorothea. It's a very long and strenuous process, explaining to two people who are older than you and think they know more that they shouldn't be using cheap chicklit romances as a outline for their love life, but she somehow manages to keep her fake smile throughout the appointments.

Walk-in's are welcomed and encouraged, so she immediately straightens up once she hears the bell atop her front door ring. She's disappointed when she sees a familiar red-head.

"Sylvain." She states, crossing her arms. 

He gives her a curt wave, "Hey, Dorothea."

She lets out a long sigh, and gestures him towards the seat across from her desk. "Here, sit down."

As soon as he's planted firmly in his chair, Dorothea attempts to dismiss him. "I'm not going to tell you how to get laid on the first date."

He groans, "Come on, Dorothea, I only asked you that _once_ , and it was a joke!" 

"Oh, I remember it happening several times. You seem to think my job is something to laugh at and poke fun of." She retorts.

"I do _not-_ "

"Remember when I finally got enough money to put the sign up? You laughed and said ' _DDD? What's that, your cup size?'_ " She lowers the tone of her voice, attempting to imitate him.

"I mean- That's kind of like a compliment, right?" He offers.

Dorothea shakes her head. "No, Sylvain."

Sylvain may be an idiot, but Dorothea feels an odd kinship with him. Both of them frequently date around, and are well known for it. Though they do it for _different reasons_ (specifically, Dorothea doesn't do it strictly for sex), they are brothers and sisters in arms, so to speak, when it comes to this kind of stuff.

They met during college, Sylvain was your typical rich frat boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth. They were an item for a time period, but they both found themselves quickly losing romantic interest in each other. The breakup was mutual, and they've remained semi-close friends to this day. 

"If you have any _real_ relationship advice you need from me, I accept payment up front." She glares at him, gauging his reaction.

"Well it's not _relationship_ stuff, per se," Sylvain begins.

Dorothea opens her mouth but it's cut off with a sigh from Sylvain. He pulls out his wallet from his pocket, and slides Dorothea a 50 dollar bill.

"There, that's more than your hourly rate costs anyway." He sinks back down into the chair. "Ingrid stole my keys and kicked me out of the apartment. Now I need help." 

"What did you do?" She asks, an eyebrow raised.

Sylvain lets out a resonated groan. "It's always ' _What did you do, Sylvain?'_ and never _'Oh, I'm so sorry, Sylvain!'_ "

"You're gonna have to pay me more if you want pity. Lucky for you, I'm a good actress." She shoots back.

Sylvain rolls his eyes and continues with his story “So, I invite this girl over, to, you know, spend the night.”   
  


Dorothea nods, already knowing the direction this is going in.   
  


“I thought everyone would be gone all day, Ingrid, Dimitri and Felix left to go hiking, but they got home early.”

He lets out a breath before going forward “To make a long story short, all three of them came home to find us both naked on the couch.”   
  


“Seems like a typical situation for you.” Dorothea said, leaning back in her chair.

“It turns out, the girl I was with was in a long term relationship with one of Ingrid’s cousins.” He explained.

“Oh, Goddess...” she shuts her eyes, “Please tell me you didn’t know she was was in a relationship.”   
  
Dorothea is met with silence.

“Sylvain....” Dorothea says defeatedly, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I mean I didn’t know it was with Ingrid’s cousin! I wouldn’t have done it had I known that.” said Sylvain. “Now Ingrid is pissed at me, Felix is demanding that we buy a new couch, and the only one who will still speak to me is Dimitri.”   
  


“That’s... certainly rough.” Is all she can say in return.   
  


“I’ve been staying at Hilda’s place for the past couple days, but her brother is coming to town next week and if he knows I’m there he will not hesitate to beat my ass.” He stares at the ceiling as speaks.

Dorothea clicks her nails on the wooden desk in front of her, sorting out her thoughts. She's gotten Sylvain out of a few bad situations before, so she's sure she'll find a way to fix it. She's not sure why the four of them live together still, anyway. They're all trust fund kids, they could definitely afford to live separately. Maybe they would get lonely? She can imagine Dimitri going through a downward spiral and isolating himself from all living creatures, for sure, but...

"Well, the best way to fix this would be to stop this behavior and get to know who the girl is before you try to sleep with her, but we both know that you won't do that, so we gotta fake it to convince Ingrid that you've changed." She explains, rubbing her chin between her thumb and forefinger.

"Right, but how do I do that? I've already sent her like 5 texts apologizing for it." 

Dorothea shakes her head. "No, this is something you have to do in person."

"In person? I sure hope she wont bring a baseball bat like last time..." said Sylvain.

Dorothea does not know what he's talking about, nor does she want to inquire about it. "Take her out for dinner or something. We both know that food softens her up a bit." She snaps her fingers, "Ooh! Take her to one of those all you can eat buffets! That way she won't try to escape."

Sylvain sighs, "She might keep me there for a few hours, though."

"A small price to pay for your house back." She replies.

"I guess. So, what, do I just do the whole 'I'm a changed man' now speech?"

She shakes her head again, "Nah, she's not gullible enough to believe that. Just promise you won't get with girls who are in relationships." Dorothea brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, "Oh, and don't take them home like that. Surely after all of these years you should know how to hide stuff better."

"It was a dumb mistake, you're right." he nods.

There's a brief silence as both of them release a breath they held in their chest. Sylvain leans against the arm of the chair, making himself comfortable.

"So, how's your love life going?" He asked.

Dorothea groaned. "It's _not_ going. I haven't been on a date in a couple of months." 

"Hey, I could always set you up with one of my friends." Sylvain offered.

She visibly shudders. "Ugh, no. That has never worked out in my favor." 

There has been two instances where Dorothea has let him "set her up". The first was with Felix, who said next to nothing the entire time, while looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. The second time was with Ingrid who, Dorothea, admittedly, had a big fat crush on, and was not very good at hiding it. Ingrid ended up giving her a harsh rejection, embarrassing Dorothea and leaving their relationship forever damaged. 

"You'll get back out there, you always manage to." He assures her. 

"I wishI _wouldn't_ keep having to. I wanna find someone to settle down with, y'know?" Dorothea said. 

Sylvain frowns. "Mmm, no, I don't know. I'm gonna keep at this until my parents pair me with some big wig's daughter. My time is running short, so I might as well have some fun." 

Dorothea can sympathize with him there. While she's jealous of his parent's wealth, she'd hate to have to keep it at the cost of being in a loveless marriage her parents arranged.

"I got a client coming in like 25 minutes, so you'd best get out of here before then. Unless you want to help me tell Susan that her 53 year old husband can't be taking her on hot air balloon rides because of his asthma." She smirks, thinking of the idea of Sylvain helping her with that one.

"Kicking me out already? You're such a bad hostess." He pouts at her, shifting his weight off the chair. "I'm gonna give this place a bad review on Yelp."

Dorothea rolls her eyes. "You know how it is. Duty calls."

Sylvain gets up, pushing the chair out of his way. "Right. I'll be sleeping in your office if Ingrid doesn't accept my apology, by the way."

She laughs, covering up her mouth with the palm of her hand. "How cute, you actually think I'd give you the keys." She waves at him as he opens the door. "Good luck! Don't mess it up."


End file.
